Hahaha.... I love this

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
• Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
• Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
• It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• When in doubt, mumble.
• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
• Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
• If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
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